hOW TO communicate effectively

A lesson about how to talk with and listen to people in a way that honors God.

As you read this lesson, be sure to hover over the the Bible verses to read them or look them up in your own copy of the Bible. When the Bible passage is longer, you need to click on “more” in the bottom right corner of the pop-up window.

Introduction

Welcome! The Bible has much to say about this interesting topic. You may find it helpful to invite a mature Christian from your church to study this topic with you. You may have a lot of questions that are not answered here. Maybe there are ideas here that seem hard to understand. Do not get overwhelmed! You can contact us with any questions that you may have. The elders of your local church can help you as well.

Remember that learning the content about this topic is helpful, but knowing the information will not truly change you. For you to benefit fully from this topic, you must…

• Become born-again by securing a personal relationship with God the Father and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, through faith by grace. This information cannot change you until the Holy Spirit of God gives you a new heart that is able to apply it to your life. To begin a personal relationship with God, it is imperative to understand and believe the following:

  • God is separated from you, because He is good, pure, and holy. 1 John 1:5-6

  • You are sinful, impure, and unholy because you do not measure up to God’s holiness. Romans 3:10-12 You are a descendent of Adam and Eve who rebelled against God. Romans 5:19

  • Your sinfulness provokes God’s anger and separates you from Him because He is holy. Romans 5:12 As a result, you deserve to be thrown into the Lake of Fire forever. Revelation 20:14-15

  • God the Father sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to earth. Jesus is God in the flesh. He lived a sinless life. He was nailed to the cross, shed His blood, and died in your place for your sins. He was buried, rose again, and went to Heaven to prepare a place for all who believe. He will return one day for those who believe. 1 Corinthians 15:1-4

  • Only the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus is enough for you to be accepted forever by God the Father the moment you believe. John 3:16 God does not accept you on the basis that you try to be a good person and do good works. Romans 4:5 He accepts you fully and forever the moment you abandon your sins and call on Jesus to save you. John 3:36

• As you understand, meditate on, and believe the information presented here about this topic, you must also do what the Bible says. James 1:21-22 Only by trusting and obeying God’s Word regarding this topic will you experience the full benefits of this information. James 1:23-24 Trusting and obeying God’s Word will change you as you learn this. 2 Corinthians 3:17-18 You will be happy as a result of your obedience. James 1:25

• Seek and heed the advice of your church leaders regarding this topic. Hebrews 13:17

• Depend upon the Holy Spirit to change you. Galatians 3:1-3 You cannot change without Him enabling you. John 15:5 He will change you in His time and way; but not apart from your faith and obedience to God’s Word. Trust Him to do His work in your heart. Philippians 2:12-13

• Allow the joy that you experience from obeying God’s Word to transform how you interact with others. James 2:12-20

The Gospel enables us to lISTEN AND cOMMUNICATE wELL

• Jesus is God in the flesh. He proved it by flawlessly communicating with those around Him and the Father. Hebrews 7:26; 1 Peter 2:22 He was nailed to the cross as if He sinfully listened and spoke like we do. 1 Peter 2:24 He shed His blood so that we can be washed clean of our sinful communication. Hebrews 10:22 He died for our sins, was buried, and rose again. Hebrews 4:14 He now sits at the right hand of the Father and represents us. Hebrews 7:24-25

• Since Christ already lived a life of blameless communication for us, we are accepted in Him by God the Father as if we lived His life. 1 Peter 3:18

• Now that the Father sees us as He sees Christ, we are called to live out His life in the matter of our communication. 1 Peter 2:21; 1 Peter 2:23

• Since Christ died for our evil communication, we no longer bear the shame or guilt of our communication shortcomings. 1 Peter 2:24

• Since Christ conquered death, we can come boldly to Him for help when we lack the will or desire to communicate properly. Hebrews 4:15-16

• We can now turn our attention from past moments of sinful communication to focus on living lives of godly communication with courage, knowing that God will conform us into the image of Christ and that He will never abandon us. Philippians 3:7-14; 1 Peter 2:25

• How will you commit this to daily prayer ?

BIG PICTURE

Ephesians 4:29

Is what I am about to say good?

Is what I am about to say encouraging?

Is what I am about to say necessary?

Is this a good time to say it?

Am I showing grace in my speech?

Am I giving encouragement with my speech?

How will my speech bring others closer to Christ?

wHY Talk

• We speak to glorify God. Psalm 19:14; Colossians 3:17

• We recognize that Christ is using our mouths for His purposes, not ours. Our mouths belong to Him. Romans 12:1-2; 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

• We talk to encourage other people. Proverbs 15:23

• We talk only because it is necessary and helpful.

• We talk in a way that shows that our relationship with Christ is real. James 1:26

• We talk, knowing that we will give an account to Jesus for every word we say. Matthew 12:36-37

wHEN TO talk

• We talk when we see an opportunity to serve another person. Philippians 2:3-4

  • We must be patient with everyone.

  • We speak only after listening carefully. Proverbs 18:13

  • We speak when the other party is ready to listen. Proverbs 18:2; Proverbs 23:9

  • We speak when we have control of our hearts and are ready to speak kindly. Proverbs 29:11; Proverbs 17:27-28; Proverbs 25:28

  • We speak when it would be sin not to do so. Proverbs 26:4-5; Proverbs 28:23

  • We speak only when necessary. Proverbs 13:2-3

  • We speak under the right circumstances and without distraction. Proverbs 25:11

  • We speak to the need of the moment. Proverbs 22:3

  • We never interrupt; unless doing so would glorify God and help them. Proverbs 29:20

• When the issue calls for discussion. Focus on meeting others’ needs. Proverbs 25:11

  • Does the person need to be warned, encouraged, or helped? Are they disobedient, discouraged, or weak? 1 Thessalonians 5:14; Proverbs 25:20; Proverbs 25:25

    • Did they recently experience trauma? Maybe you need to be a listening ear. Proverbs 14:13; Proverbs 18:14; Job 10:1

  • Is this the best time to talk with them?

    • Might there be time constraints?

    • Could there be a better time for the conversation?

    • Are there third parties that need to be considered? For example, do they have young children who are becoming restless?

    • Are they ready to receive all that God’s Word has to offer at that time?

    • Are you embarrassing them by talking with them in front of others?

WHAT TO SAY

• We speak the truth. Proverbs 12:17-18; Ephesians 4:15; Ephesians 4:25

• We speak what is necessary, helpful, and encouraging. Proverbs 16:23-24; Proverbs 21:23

• We must never gossip or slander. Proverbs 12:23; Proverbs 20:6; Proverbs 20:19; Proverbs 25:18-19

• We must never betray another’s confidence. It should be made clear from the beginning that you reserve the right to take the issue to others as you feel is needed. Proverbs 11:12-13; Proverbs 17:9; Proverbs 21:21; Proverbs 25:9

HOW TO TALK

• We think before we speak. Proverbs 15:28

• We recognize that no one will always say the right thing in the right way, so we must be quick to forgive and ask forgiveness. James 3:1-2

• We speak with the right heart. Matthew 12:34; Proverbs 4:23

• We speak the way we want someone to speak to us. Luke 6:31

• We speak with love. Luke 6:32-38

• We speak clearly. Colossians 4:2-6; Proverbs 24:23-26

• We speak straightforwardly. Proverbs 27:5-6; Psalm 55:21; Proverbs 23:6-8; Proverbs 26:24-28; Matthew 5:37; Psalm 62:4

• We speak with few words. Proverbs 10:19

• We speak with sweet, persuasive words. Proverbs 16:21; Proverbs 27:9-10

• We speak in a way that they would understand what we mean. 1 Corinthians 14:7-11

• We speak kindly. 2 Timothy 2:22-26

• We do not insult people. Matthew 5:21-22; Ecclesiastes 10:20

• We speak gently. Proverbs 15:1; Proverbs 25:15

• We speak to bless those who hurt us. Romans 12:14; Romans 12:17-21

• We do not wrongly make the conversation about us. Romans 12:16; Romans 15:1-7

• We speak to encourage and bring joy. Proverbs 17:22

• We speak accurately, without exaggeration. Proverbs 17:10; Proverbs 17:20; Proverbs 19:25

• We speak without manipulation. 1 Thessalonians 2:1-12

• We speak with a kind, but firm tone of voice.

• We see to it that our body language, facial expressions and tone of voice match our heart’s intent.

• We consider others’ interests more than our own.

• We speak with compassion. Colossians 3:12-14

WHY WE LISTEN

• We want them to know we care. Proverbs 12:15

• We want to give a wise answer. Proverbs 18:13

• We want to reflect how God listens to us.

• We want to understand what they are saying and feeling.

• We want to understand how best to respond.

• We want to listen more than we speak. James 1:19-20

HOW TO LISTEN

• We demonstrate that we are listening by our body language.

• We face them and show them that they have our full attention.

• Our face shows the proper emotion for the circumstance. For example: joy, kindness, love, compassion, sadness, concern, dissatisfaction, and hope.

• We never interrupt without a good reason.

• We do not focus on anything else while they are speaking.

• We do not become offended easily. Ecclesiastes 7:20-22

• We make it easy and enjoyable for them to talk with us. James 3:13-18

• We should not assume to know their motives for why they say what they do. We must realize that we do not know another’s heart. Proverbs 16:2; 1 Corinthians 4:5; Matthew 7:1-6; Luke 6:35-45; John 5:30; John 7:24; Romans 2:1; Romans 14:4; Romans 14:10; Romans 14:13; James 4:10-12; James 5:9

WHEN TO LISTEN

• Listen when the other person is talking.

• If the other party interrupts you repeatedly, you may need to call their attention to that and ask for an opportunity to respond.

• If they are completely unwilling to hear you, it might be necessary to end the conversation politely and offer to talk at a better time when they are ready to listen.

• Many people do not exercise good communication skills, especially while under emotional stress such as discouragement or anger. Do not take personally what they say or how they say it.

Listen BY NOTICING:

• Their tone of voice to determine with what emotion they are communicating.

  • Do they sound tired, sad, angry, happy, nervous, or afraid?

• Their body language.

  • Do they act nervous or distracted?

• Their facial expressions. Proverbs 27:19

  • Do they appear sad, angry, happy, nervous, or afraid?

Be aware of…

• How their body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice respond to what you say.

• Whether they seem to be interested in what you are saying. If not, maybe you are talking too much, or maybe you need to change the subject or end the conversation.

ASKING GOOD QUESTIONS

• When you said [this], I thought you meant [that]. How well do you think I am understanding you?

• Can you please rephrase that so I can better understand you?

• What did you mean when you said [this]? Proverbs 20:5

• How does that make you feel?

• How do you think I feel about this?

• How do you think I should feel about this?

• What helped you to come to that conclusion?

• What is the most loving thing that I can do for you right now?

• What do you think I mean when I say [this]?

• What could I do or say differently to better serve you?

• What choices have you made that have contributed to your current situation?

• How is your attitude affecting your relationship with God?

Representing Christ in Our Communication

• Remember that we do not exist simply to live for ourselves. We were created to represent God.

• If we do not intentionally practice listening and speaking in a biblical way, then we will not become more like Christ in how we listen and talk with people.

• If we do not grow in our communication skills, it will hinder our ability to share the Gospel and disciple believers.

• We must let the reputation of God and His love for people motivate us to grow in our ability to listen to others and speak to them.

• The love of Christ will motivate us to cultivate listening and speaking well.

• What would it take for us to give up on trying to grow in our communication skills?

Consider memorizing some the of the verses below to help you become better at communicating:

• Psalm 141:3; Proverbs 2:2; Proverbs 4:23; Proverbs 6:16-19; Proverbs 10:6; Proverbs 10:8; Proverbs 10:11-12; Proverbs 10:13-14; Proverbs 10:18; Proverbs 10:19; Proverbs 10:20-21; Proverbs 10:31-32; Proverbs 11:8-9; Proverbs 11:10-11; Proverbs 11:12-13; Proverbs 11:16-17; Proverbs 11:27; Proverbs 11:29; Proverbs 12:4-8; Proverbs 12:13-14; Proverbs 12:15;
  Proverbs 12:16; Proverbs 12:17-18; Proverbs 12:19-22; Proverbs 12:23; Proverbs 12:25-26; Proverbs 13:1; Proverbs 13:2-3; Proverbs 13:5;
  Proverbs 13:10; Proverbs 13:15-17; Proverbs 14:3; Proverbs 14:5;
  Proverbs 14:6-8; Proverbs 14:25; Proverbs 15:1; Proverbs 15:2-4;
  Proverbs 15:7; Proverbs 15:28; Proverbs 16:1; Proverbs 16:10;
  Proverbs 16:13-15; Proverbs 16:21; Proverbs 16:23-24; Proverbs 16:26-28; Proverbs 16:30; Proverbs 16:32; Proverbs 17:4; Proverbs 17:5;
  Proverbs 17:7; Proverbs 17:9; Proverbs 17:10; Proverbs 17:11;
  Proverbs 17:12; Proverbs 17:20; Proverbs 17:27-28; Proverbs 18:1-2;
  Proverbs 18:4; Proverbs 18:6-7; Proverbs 18:8; Proverbs 18:13;
  Proverbs 18:14; Proverbs 18:20-21; Proverbs 18:23; Proverbs 19:5;
  Proverbs 19:9; Proverbs 19:22; Proverbs 19:25; Proverbs 20:19;
  Proverbs 20:20; Proverbs 21:23; Proverbs 21:28-31; Proverbs 22:11-12; Proverbs 23:9; Proverbs 23:16; Proverbs 24:23-26; Proverbs 25:8-10;
  Proverbs 25:11; Proverbs 25:15; Proverbs 25:18-19; Proverbs 25:20;
  Proverbs 25:25; Proverbs 25:28; Proverbs 26:4-5; Proverbs 26:17;
  Proverbs 26:18-19; Proverbs 26:20-23; Proverbs 26:24-28; Proverbs 27:5-6; Proverbs 27:9-10; Proverbs 27:14; Proverbs 27:19; Proverbs 28:23;
  Proverbs 29:5; Proverbs 29:9; Proverbs 29:11; Proverbs 29:20; Proverbs 30:8; Proverbs 30:10; Proverbs 31:8-9; Proverbs 31:26; Matthew 5:21-22;
  Matthew 5:37; Matthew 12:33-37; Romans 12:14; Romans 15:1-7; Ephesians 4:25-26; Ephesians 4:29-32; Ephesians 5:1-17; Philippians 2:3-4; Colossians 3:8-9; Colossians 3:12-14; Colossians 3:17; Colossians 4:2-6;
  1 Thessalonians 2:1-12; 1 Thessalonians 5:14-15; 1 Timothy 4:12;
  1 Timothy 5:1-2; 2 Timothy 2:22-26; Titus 2:3; Titus 2:6-8; Titus 3:1-5; James 1:19-20; James 1:26; James 3:1-2; James 3:13-18

Conclusion

Now that you have studied this topic, we encourage you to...

• Ask us or any of your church leaders about any questions or concerns you still have about this topic.

• Pray for yourself to grow in maturity regarding this topic.

• Do your best to practice what you have learned.

• Tell someone else about what you have studied.

• Ask one of your church leaders to help you overcome your weaknesses regarding this topic.

• Teach this subject to others.

• Consider reviewing this topic once each year.

• Commit to growing in this area together with other members of a local church.

• Trust the Holy Spirit to change you as He uses His Word, others, and circumstances to make you more like Christ.