HOW TO RECONCILE WITH OTHERS

A lesson about how to maintain peaceful relationships with people.

As you read this lesson, be sure to hover over the the Bible verses to read them or look them up in your own copy of the Bible. When the Bible passage is longer, you need to click on “more” in the bottom right corner of the pop-up window.

INTRODUCTION

Welcome! The Bible has much to say about this interesting topic. You may find it helpful to invite a mature Christian from your church to study this topic with you. You may have a lot of questions that are not answered here. Maybe there are ideas here that seem hard to understand. Do not get overwhelmed! You can contact us with any questions that you may have. The elders of your local church can help you as well.

Remember that learning the content about this topic is helpful, but knowing the information will not truly change you. For you to benefit fully from this topic, you must…

• Become born-again by securing a personal relationship with God the Father and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, through faith by grace. This information cannot change you until the Holy Spirit of God gives you a new heart that is able to apply it to your life. To begin a personal relationship with God, it is imperative to understand and believe the following:

  • God is separated from you, because He is good, pure, and holy. 1 John 1:5-6

  • You are sinful, impure, and unholy because you do not measure up to God’s holiness. Romans 3:10-12 You are a descendent of Adam and Eve who rebelled against God. Romans 5:19

  • Your sinfulness provokes God’s anger and separates you from Him because He is holy. Romans 5:12 As a result, you deserve to be thrown into the Lake of Fire forever. Revelation 20:14-15

  • God the Father sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to earth. Jesus is God in the flesh. He lived a sinless life. He was nailed to the cross, shed His blood, and died in your place for your sins. He was buried, rose again, and went to Heaven to prepare a place for all who believe. He will return one day for those who believe. 1 Corinthians 15:1-4

  • Only the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus is enough for you to be accepted forever by God the Father the moment you believe. John 3:16 God does not accept you on the basis that you try to be a good person and do good works. Romans 4:5 He accepts you fully and forever the moment you abandon your sins and call on Jesus to save you. John 3:36

• As you understand, meditate on, and believe the information presented here about this topic, you must also do what the Bible says. James 1:21-22 Only by trusting and obeying God’s Word regarding this topic will you experience the full benefits of this information. James 1:23-24 Trusting and obeying God’s Word will change you as you learn this. 2 Corinthians 3:17-18 You will be happy as a result of your obedience. James 1:25

• Seek and heed the advice of your church leaders regarding this topic. Hebrews 13:17

• Depend upon the Holy Spirit to change you. Galatians 3:1-3 You cannot change without Him enabling you. John 15:5 He will change you in His time and way; but not apart from your faith and obedience to God’s Word. Trust Him to do His work in your heart. Philippians 2:12-13

• Allow the joy that you experience from obeying God’s Word to transform how you interact with others. James 2:12-20

The Gospel enables us to Reconcile with Others

• Jesus is God in the flesh. He lived a sinless life of peace-making for us. Hebrews 7:26; 1 Peter 2:22 He was nailed to the cross to pay for our sins regarding our relationship with others. 1 Peter 2:24 He shed His blood so that we can be washed clean of our sinful offenses against others. Hebrews 10:22 He died for our sins, was buried, and rose again. Hebrews 4:14 He now sits at the right hand of the Father on our behalf. Hebrews 7:24-25 (NASB)

• Since Christ lived a life of reconciliation for us, we have been accepted in Christ by God the Father as if we lived the life of reconciliation that He lived. 1 Peter 3:18

• Now that we have been accepted in Christ as those who eagerly reconcile with others, we are called to live our lives being peace-makers who follow Christ’s example. 1 Peter 2:21; 1 Peter 2:23

• Since Christ gave us His empowerment to reconcile with others, we no longer have to live defeated in our relationships with others. 1 Peter 2:24

• Since Christ rose from the grave, we can come boldly to Him for help when we lack the will or desire to reconcile with others. Hebrews 4:15-16

• We can now forget our past moments of unforgiveness toward others. We can focus on living lives as ambassadors of Christ who have been given the ministry of reconciliation. We can do this with courage, knowing that God will conform us into the image of Christ and that He will never abandon us. 2 Corinthians 5:14-21; Philippians 3:7-14; 1 Peter 2:25

• How will you commit this to prayer daily?

remember

• Your job is to represent Christ more than yourself. Romans 15:1-7; Proverbs 16:7

• Your goal is to help others to trust in Jesus as Savior and to represent Jesus better. 1 Corinthians 10:31-33

• The goal is restoration. Matthew 18:10-14

• You must remember how Christ has already forgiven mankind through the Gospel. Matthew 18:15-35

• Each problem and conflict is an opportunity for you to worship Christ and love others.

• God is using every situation to help you become more like Christ. Romans 8:28-29

FORGIVE THEM IN YOUR HEART

• Before you talk to them:

  • Remind yourself of your love for them. Luke 7:47

  • Consider whether they actually sinned according to the Bible.

  • Consider whether this is something they are trying to change in their lives.

  • Consider whether you are only offended because of your pride. Proverbs 17:19

  • Consider whether this is something that would improve if you were to prefer them above yourself.

  • Consider whether this is something that goes against your conscience but not theirs.

  • Consider whether this is something that goes against their conscience but not yours.

  • Consider whether discussing it will help.

  • Consider whether ignoring it will help.

  • Consider what Christ would want you to do to best represent Him.

  • Consider how Christ has forgiven you.

  • Consider how Christ has forgiven them.

  • Consider whether the person is known for lying, manipulating, gossiping, slandering, or violence. If they are, you might want to have another unbiased, mature person in the room when you talk with them.

  • Review How to Communicate Effectively.

• God will not forgive you of your pride and unforgiveness until you forgive offenders in your heart. Matthew 6:14-15

• Until you ask God to forgive you for your unforgiveness, you are not walking closely with Him, and you are out of fellowship with Him. 1 John 2:9-11; Mark 11:25-26

• Be ready to forgive others as soon as possible. Colossians 3:12-14

• Be eager to help other believers with their Christian walks by forgiving them. 1 Corinthians 10:24

• Your heart should be full of forgiveness before you confront others about it.

• Humble yourself and take the initiative to reconcile with offensive parties.

• Any unwillingness to forgive should bother you more than what they did to you.

TAKE SOME TIME TO CONTROL YOURSELF

• Do not wait too long to talk with them. Ephesians 4:26-27

• Make sure that you have control of your emotions before you speak with them so that you do not sin in your anger. Proverbs 17:27

• Be approachable. James 3:13-18

• Consider why this is so important to you. James 4:1-12

• Remember that the issue is not what they have done to you; it is about your relationships with God and how Christ is represented. Psalm 51:4

• Assume the best possible interpretation about what they did. 1 Corinthians 13:7

THINK ABOUT HOW YOU CAN HELP THEM

• How will discussing the problem help them grow in their relationship with Christ? Galatians 6:1-3; Proverbs 17:13-14

• How will discussing the issue help them to change and to be encouraged? Ephesians 4:29-32

consider their POSSIBLE perspective

• Maybe they are not even aware of the problem. Proverbs 17:15

• Maybe they were hurt or distracted by something else when they hurt you.

• Maybe they are not saved.

• Maybe they already feel badly about what they did, and they don’t know how to respond.

• Maybe they are not ready to talk. Proverbs 18:17-19

• Maybe they do not see how important the problem is to you.

• Maybe they are already trying to work on the problem, but they keep failing and are discouraged.

• Maybe they think you can’t or won’t forgive them.

• Consider their mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual maturity. Proverbs 17:12

kindly explain your perspective

• Approach them in love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

• Tell them what you think happened. Luke 17:3-4

• Ask them for more clarification about the issue. Ask if they agree with your version of what happened.

• Avoid assuming that you know what they are thinking or feeling.

• Tell them how it affected you.

• Warn them about how it might affect their relationship with God and the testimony of Christ.

• Show them what the Bible says about the situation.

GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID

• Pray quietly for your heart and theirs as you patiently await a response from them.

listen to their response

• Do not interrupt or correct them while they are speaking. Proverbs 18:13

• If necessary, take notes.

• Explain to them what you think they are saying.

• Ask for clarification where needed.

• Be attentive and compassionate, because you know what it is like to sin against someone else. James 1:19-20

• Truly reflect upon what they said. Proverbs 15:28

• Respond gently. Proverbs 15:1

ask for forgiveness

• If during their explanation, you realize that you have sinned against them, then you could do some of the following:

  • Tell them how you sinned.

  • Ask them how your sin made them feel.

  • Express remorse for how it affected them.

  • Explain what God thinks about your sin.

  • Ask them to forgive you.

  • Explain your plan to change so that you do not sin in this way again.

  • Ask them for any insight they may have that might help you change.

ENCOURAGE THEM TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS

• Ask forgiveness of any sin that you have committed against them.

• Explain again how they have sinned against you, adding more clarification about the situation.

• As they are open to hear you, explain that for the sake of their relationship with Christ, their testimony, and their relationship with you, they need to ask you for forgiveness.

• Forgive them from your heart. When you forgive them:

  • You are committing never to hold that sin against them again. You are pledging not to address it in your communication with them or others except for their benefit in the future.

  • You are choosing not to allow their sin to affect your love for them or your attitude towards them.

  • You are choosing to forgive them, expecting nothing in return.

  • You are choosing to believe the best about them from now on, while also interacting with them according to wisdom.

• You must forgive them. Luke 17:1-10

• Discuss with them a plan for their change.

prepare yourself to forgive them again

• Assume that they genuinely do not want to sin in the same way again.

• Assume that because they are a sinner by nature, you will have many more opportunities to forgive them again.

• Assume that if the sin is habitual, it may take longer for them to change.

prepare yourself to ask THEM for forgiveness again

• Know that you genuinely do not want to sin in the same way again.

• Assume that because you are a sinner by nature, you will have many more opportunities to ask for forgiveness from them again.

• Assume that if the sin is habitual, it may take longer for you to change; but believe that you can change.

CONSIDERATIONS CONCERNING necessary accountability

• Follow the protocol of the Bible. Matthew 18:15-20

  • Go talk to them privately about their sin.

  • Give them a realistic amount of time to come to their senses and repent.

  • If they refuse to repent, then bring a mutual friend or pastor to approach them together about the sin.

  • Give them a realistic amount of additional time to come to their senses and repent.

  • If they still refuse to repent, let the church leaders know so that they can help the offender to repent.

  • If they still refuse to repent, pray for them.

• If the sin is habitual, then seek for them to agree to talk to a pastor about it together.

• If the sin has broken governmental laws, then seek counsel from a pastor and follow the protocol of reporting it to the police.

• Determine whether it would be right, necessary, godly, and helpful to go to court. 1 Corinthians 6:1-11

• After taking biblical steps to restore the relationship, realize that your stance before God is not dependent others’ forgiveness.

Representing Christ in How we Reconcile with OTHERS

• Remember that we do not exist simply to live for ourselves. We were created to represent God.

• When we reconcile with other people, the issue includes our relationship with God as well. It is about God being represented well in how we reconcile with them. His reputation is on the line, because we represent Him.

• God wants us to enjoy fellowship with Him. We must demonstrate the importance of our fellowship with God by being quick to reconcile with people.

• If we intentionally make it our priority to reconcile with people quickly and biblically, then we will become more like Christ and represent Him properly.

• When we share the Gospel with people, it shines a light on our lives. If we are not reconciled with someone, then we will be tempted to shrink back from sharing the Gospel with them and others.

• When we have done everything we can to be at peace with everyone, it gives us boldness in our faith. This boldness will enable us to be transparent with anyone. This transparency will enable us to let other believers into our lives and to disciple them.

• We must let the reputation of God and His love for people motivate us to grow in our ability to reconcile with others.

• The love of Christ is enough to motivate us to prioritize reconciliation in our relationship with others.

• Since Christ enables us, we have no reason to give up on reconciliation with others.

Conclusion

Now that you have studied this topic, we encourage you to...

• Ask us or any of your church leaders about any questions or concerns you still have about this topic.

• Pray for yourself to grow in maturity regarding this topic.

• Do your best to practice what you have learned.

• Tell someone else about what you have studied.

• Ask one of your church leaders to help you overcome your weaknesses regarding this topic.

• Teach this subject to others.

• Consider reviewing this topic once each year.

• Commit to growing in this area together with other members of a local church.

• Trust the Holy Spirit to change you as He uses His Word, others, and circumstances to make you more like Christ.